Love and Text Messages

Last year, over Christmas, Carlo and I were at a flea market in Rome and we found a copy of "The Rules" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, Volumes I and II. In English! We decided to read the book together on the train to Milan and boy, was it an eye opening experience!

Now, in my day job, I do a LOT of love and relationship coaching. In fact, I have written/ am rewriting/ working on a new draft of a self-help book about love and relationships. When you do a one woman show about your love life for a few years, you start deconstructing the stories and seeing the common denominator- yourself!

That, alongside all the life coaching training, psychic work, shaman work, ashrams in India, and working with some amazing spiritual teachers and guides myself.... have led me to a place where I feel I am really good at helping people out of their love life messes and into relationship land.

IF, that is, you want an adult partnership.

If you want a chemical attraction hormonal/ pain body attraction that leads to a whirlwind romance of literary proportions... that's a different kind of guru and I ain't your girl!

All of that is to tell you all that I had never actually read "The Rules" but *thought* I was a big proponent of their basic message- and in fact I am a proponent of the basic message- DON'T BE NEEDY. DON'T HAVE ATTACHMENTS TO AN OUTCOME. GET TO KNOW A PERSON WITHOUT NEEDING TO KNOW THEY ARE GOING TO BE THE ONE RIGHT OFF THE BAT BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY WON'T KNOW UNTIL A LOT OF TIME HAS PASSED ANYWAY. THERE ARE DIFFERENT KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS FOR DIFFERENT REASONS BUT IF YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED AND LIVE IN THIS (WESTERN) CULTURE, THEN DON'T THINK LIFE IS GOING TO BE LIKE A ROMANCE NOVEL OR SOME UNREQUITED LOVE ODE BY LORD BYRON. (The last few sentences are really my advocacy, but I thought I was in alignment with the basic premise of what I, through hearsay, understood "The Rules" to be about.)

And, like all things, it turns out, after reading those books with my long term partner and love of MY life, it is a case of do as I say, not as I do! LOL.

Carlo and I began reading the book and he kept pointing out all the ways in which I had broken "The Rules."

Now to be fair, he also said, that for "99% of all the men [he knows personally,] the Rules would really work and that's what women should do if they want to hook a man for marriage." But according to my guy, he's not a normal guy.

This is true. Carlo is a very beautiful man, inside and out, and he told me he has never made a move on a woman. She always has to come to him. "Never?" I said? I didn't believe it the first few years we were together. "Never," he said. I now believe it, because I know him so well, and he just doesn't lie or tell stories or make up that kind of stuff.

So if I hadn't broken the rules, we wouldn't be together, according to C.

That said.

We had a grand time laughing at all my mistakes if I was trying to follow the Rules!

So we are on the anniversary of the first time I broke the Rules. See, Carlo and I had a professional relationship for many months before I realized that he "liked" me. Not only did he "like" me, but I had a crush on him! At first I was thinking, "oh, this can never happen. He's too handsome! Why would he like a woman like me?" (I'm not gonna lie. I wasn't feeling the most beautiful back then. I feel more beautiful now than ever, and I'm not ashamed to say so, because too many of us really sell ourselves short of what is truly a part of this wonderful world.) Then I realized, no, he really did "like" me, but he didn't make any moves!  What kind of Italian was this? Weren't they supposed to be these over the top lovers? Playboys? Don Juans de Marco (okay, that was Johnny Depp, but still...)

So, one October morning, walking my dog, I texted him. I texted him- blatantly (but at the time, unknowingly) breaking one of The Rules: you don't contact the man. The man contacts you.

I didn't say, "oh, let's go out." I didn't text a sexy picture of me.

See, I used to live in a different part of Los Angeles where there were these beautiful walking paths hidden just behind the main streets so you could walk without dealing with cars and traffic. And I would walk Henry, my dog, and that particular morning, we passed a middle-aged couple in the midst of an argument in a different language. The man was wearing a sweatshirt that read, "Italia." In truth, they were probably Armenian, because it was a largely ethnically Armenian neighborhood. But I was only half paying attention to what they were SAYING, what language they were speaking. I just saw the "Italia" sweatshirt and thought, "hm! I'll text Carlo."

And so I texted him around 7:45 am that there were Italians taking over the valley. Then I realized it was way too early to be texting someone that I didn't really know- and maybe in general- and I sent a second message apologizing for texting so early and he wrote back, "no, no, it is a pleasure to be awakened by you in the morning."

And that was the beginning of our friendly, and sometimes slightly innuendoed, text messaging relationship.... we texted back and forth for weeks before we went on anything resembling a date. It was like a sort of early courtship of love letters, only instead of letters, they were text messages...

At the time, I was being very conscious about following my own set of rules for dating. I was dating several people casually, sleeping with NO ONE, not trying to get into a relationship, just seeing who was out there and what their deal was and what was possible.

Who knew I would meet the man of my dreams?

And when I met him, I didn't know he was the man of my dreams. Oh, sure. He's tall, dark and handsome. He is brilliant and creative and kind. He has been a soldier, a police officer, an actor, a novelist and a screenwriter. He likes slow dancing and meditation. But I knew NONE of this until WELL into our courtship. And it all started with a few simple, nice, not needy text messages. And I never pushed anything or actually even asked him out. We just sort of let it happen.

Like I said... do as I say... not as I do....

But come on over to my Facebook page and tell me how you have broken, or bent the Rules- and how and why it worked or didn't!