October 15th, 2015
Today is the 10 year anniversary of my arrival in Los Angeles!
I'd like to thank the Academy for welcoming me with open arms, I'd like to thank the stars aligning for my standard "famous in six month" Hollywood contract and...
Oh! Wait, that was fantasy.
The reality looks, well, a hella whole lot different!
And today I want to reflect just a little bit about me having spent more of my adult life in Los Angeles than any other city...
From as far back as *I* can remember, I begged my mother to bring me to Los Angeles. I wanted to be a child star. (Never mind they didn't really allow chubby child stars with coke-bottle glasses and funky hair back then. I thought, somehow, magically I would transform.) Of course she never indulged that dream.
I ALWAYS wanted to live here, though. When I graduated high school, I was offered a full ride scholarship at USC, but I didn't take it! No, I went to the fear school instead. You know what the fear school is, right? The fear school- or the fear choice, the fear job, the fear relationship? It's the thing you do when you are being "sensible." "Realistic." "Pragmatic." These are all very midwestern words (no offense, but we all know it's true, and it's a wonderful thing in many instances.) I am none of these words!
So I went to a fear school and shortly thereafter, in my attempt to get out of the messy hellhole I had made of my life (for this woman was made for freedom, or the earnest search thereof, NOT for pragmatism.) I ended up in rehab, then massage school, then a rock band. Definitely NONE of which was expected from the valedictorian blah blah blah.
I am laughing out loud. I love my crazy life.
So after my weird band full of talented people with mismatched musical ideas broke up because I left the drummer, I wandered a little bit through Europe with some equally insane cavalier corporate poet, (see my One Woman Show,
THE ONE, for further details.) THEN
I caravaned out to that city of my dreams, the city of Angels.
And in ten years I have had, honestly, probably more failures than successes (which is supposedly the way it goes, right? I mean the best baseball players only hit the ball 3 times out of 10) BUT within that, I have had, and created, and learned to create,
AN AMAZING LIFE.
When I was a kid I saw this movie, "
With Honors." In it, Brendan Fraser learns to forgo his need to be the best in exchange for becoming a better human being. Kinder, gentler, considerate; stronger, angrier, and more willing to stand up for people in need.
When I saw it, part of me scoffed. I was a b****y, competitive girl in the guise of a sweet midwesterner.
But another part of me was touched. I wanted to be a real human according to MY terms, not some idea of success formulated by adults that, I realize now, didn't know what the hell they were talking about either.
And there was that deeper part of me that KNEW I had tons of talent and strength and magic, but that I ALSO wanted a real reason for my existence. Not something out of an ancient book or a cultural meme that didn't apply to me. I had already read voraciously by the time I was in high school, and was taking college classes and writing theses and knew that basically, a lot of what people tell you about life is just their own fear masquerading as wisdom. (I hope this blog is NOT that but then again, wisdom is often borne out of confronting and therefore transcending fear... )
It took my years of sorrow, my complete bottoming out, my journey through Europe and then Los Angeles, which led me to India and to the Hopi lands in Arizona and beyond to come to a better understanding of my existence.
The thing is, I was born. And I was born and grew the way a flower is planted and blooms. And so, if all we expect of a rose is to rise up to the sun and bloom, and then die- and maybe share some of its beauty and some of its essence- maybe cut you if you grab it in the wrong way, but not because it willed it but because you impinged on the rose itself- maybe stay planted and maybe be uprooted- but by and large- just bloom-
Why was I any different?
I was, and I am not.
So I saw love, and I saw that all that was required of me was to be what I was, a rose planted and then uprooted, but who blooms in her own special way, merely because that was the way she sprouted from the dark soil of existence.
Existentialism alert! I should have given you one! haha.
So on today, my tenth anniversary since moving to LA, I could talk about what I have learned about acting, about music, about touring, about marketing, about the soul, about writing, about love, about relationships, about friendship, about fitness, about food, about drinking, about reconcilliation, about family, about forgiveness, about transformation. I could talk about casting workshops and web series. I could talk about SAG and AFTRA and AEA and ASCAP. I could talk about getting on the radio, and hosting radio shows, and playing South by Southwest (kind of.) I could talk about going back to school, and singing opera after singing rock and roll, about discovering I love Broadway after all. I could talk about all the ways my intellect got in the way of my joy, and all the ways my joy has utilized my intellect.
I want to list, for these TEN YEARS I have spent in this city, Los Angeles, the TOP TEN THINGS I have learned here.
10. Humans are very wrong very often and make a lot of mistakes. And this is how we learn and grow! I know we all "know" that. We read a million blogs about it all the time. But it doesn't mean you are wrong or bad or a failure. It means that you are trying. And IN that struggle, IN that search, that's where your glory lies.
Story from the last 10 years: I had been so focused on touring and success when my album came out six years ago, I pushed myself so hard and toured even with pneumonia, and wrecked my voice. And then, in attempt to rebuild my voice, I met a voice teacher who helped me remember something basic: I don't sing because I'm famous. I don't sing because I am someone WANTING to be famous. I sing because I love it. Suddenly, singing became fun and joyful again. And the world was reborn for me!
9. Almost everyone in the entertainment industry is a real person. The person may be a drunk person, a high person, a misguided person, a psychopath, a sociopath, a liar. But most likely, each person is probably a talented and or pretty person with a dream who wants to be a part of show biz. Most of the folks I know just love show biz. And they, like me, like a lot of people, really just want to do amazing work and fall in love and live their dream.
Story from the last 10 years: I got to meet Dan Akroyd on the
set of a commercial once. By now, I had met many celebrities and "powerful"directors and producers and blah blah blah. Watching Dan work was a master class in comedy. He just looked to the left and the crew would crack up. He was incredible. But even more than that, he was a great person. He introduced himself to everyone on set and gave everyone a parting gift. When I was working with him, he asked about my life, my partner in Italy, singing opera, and even laughed when I told him the title of my one woman show (
StandUpera!).
Same thing happened when I worked on a
music video for One Direction. Harry, the lead singer, introduced himself to literally every person on set, be they background (extra), caterer or security person. He thanked everyone for helping with the shoot and even offered his services to make people more comfortable if they needed everything.
They weren't faking. They were kind, and grateful, and talented, and wonderful.
Yes, I have met and worked with some people who were not easy. But you know what, once I worked with a woman who was a NIGHTMARE in regards to being high maintenance. It wasn't fun for me, but it was the job. (I was massaging her at the time.) She called me again and I didn't want to go but then I thought, okay, and you know what? The second time I worked with her she was studying her craft and told me that every day she works as many hours as she can to improve and get better. This woman was already very famous. Then she offered me some wine if I wanted (I didn't) and was really nice. She was under a lot of pressure as she was taking a leap with her career and I understood during that second visit that she couldn't entirely help being high maintenance. She had so much going on that was out of her control and it wasn't personal. It was just life.
8. Life is transient. In Los Angeles, friends and foes will wander in and out of your life with rapidity. You will probably become flakier yourself if you live here, and if you just moved here within the last year and you hate "LA People flaking on you," give yourself another few months of last minute meetings across town and you'll see that it isn't always the person, but the way of life. It has its drawbacks, sure. But relax. There's no reason to give yourself an early heart attack because someone can't make it to Intelligentsia Coffee on time.
7. Since life is transient, it's a good idea to make tremendous value of what life you DO have, each and every moment. I live a few miles from the beach but only make it there once or twice a year. That's a problem! But I try to really experience all of life, value my friends and family, visit the world class
museums and go hiking and see the opera. I try to eat food that I wouldn't maybe otherwise get to try and talk to strangers.
6. Life is always possible. You might think you are too this or that (young, old, fat, skinny, black, white) but really, if you just focus on loving what is in front of you, you will find your way as well as your joy. Trust me. I am formerly the most competitive person in the universe. And now I use that energy to engross myself more deeply in what I am doing at any given moment, be it writing, kissing my man, going for a walk, or petting my dog. Who knows what the future brings? None of us, really, but we can be sure we will love it when it arrives by practicing loving right now.
5. Slow down. Stop over-scheduling yourself. Let go of that "I gotta book a role on TV in six months" theory and just focus on who you are right now and what's best for your life. Let yourself get off the devices and meet people at the coffee shop as well as online.
A few years ago, my family had a tragedy and lost someone very special. I grew very sorrowful but realized something about my life was missing, something about the way I was living was not bringing me happiness.
As hard as it was, I started taking things off my to do list. I had previously thought I couldn't possibly workout one hour a day instead of two! I would gain weight. Actually, I ended up sleeping better and eating less. I started really paying attention to each moment and while I was not so busy, I found that I don't like multitasking. I don't like being on my phone all day.
And IN THAT RELAXATION, by letting go, I found myself a little more available for last minute opportunities, because I wasn't already booked with a million appointments. And I ended up getting a few more high paying massage clients (I was still massaging then) and dropped my lesser paying corporate job.
4. Let your adventure be YOUR adventure. So many self help blogs and books say things like,
"write down your goals and then tell everyone you know those goals and then find people who have achieved those goals and then model after them and then have success yay!" Well, sure. Go for it. OR. Be yourself and go to a casting director workshop because you love the show that person works on and meanwhile do what YOU love. Almost everyone I know is doing some sort of self help seminar or goal workshop, and meanwhile, other people are creating a web series. Neither is right or wrong. Just do it because it's you.
You know, I met my partner because I had gone back to school to study opera and met a manager who said I needed to learn conversant Italian and I came back to Los Angeles and started studying with a tutor who, three months later, I started dating. I don't want to be an opera singer per se, I want to be more like Andrea Bocelli meets Sarah Brightman meets Barbra, because I think that's where my voice and style blooms... but had I not pursued MY life, MY possibilities... had I said, "I can't go to New York for school because that's when I might get that audition that might happen and might not and hasn't yet but this might be the lucky year..." I might never had met my guy.
3. Don't let your intellect get in the way of your joy.
We don't know everything. We don't know how things are going to happen and we don't necessarily know the path we need to take. If we did, we'd be where we wanna be already. So don't use that against yourself. Let your dream inspire you, don't let your idea of the path limit you.
2. You can rise to the occasion!
I am a risk taker. I know that. We all know that! And I'm a big encourager of people taking the next risk. Throw your hat over the wall and go get it! That looks like different things to different people.
I wanted to take a trip to India with my former life teacher and didn't have the money. But I knew I was ingenious, and I knew something would happen. A check showed up for exactly the amount of the plane ticket, but not the rest of the trip. Well, I took that money and bought a plane ticket. I don't have a pragmatic bone in my body that responds to fear- I lost that when I learned what I learned by going to the wrong college and being miserable. Instead, I used that pragmatism to come up with the rest of the money. I offered packages to clients, I sold stuff, I went without dinners out. And I went to India, not once but twice, not for two weeks but six. And I came home and the bills were still there and they were still the same amount, and the car was still dirty and the dishes still needed to be washed and acting class was waiting for me... but I was different. I had transformed... and so, very quickly, did everything else.
1. Be love.
Before the late, great Wayne Dyer passed on to the next adventure, I got a chance to speak with him. I told him I was afraid of singing, and my album, because I was becoming better and better at my craft(s) and was afraid of getting caught up in my attachment to the idea of success. I was afraid that my career was meaningless, that no one cared, as greatly as I was afraid of getting caught up in all the earthly attachments that had hurt me and messed up my life in the first place.
He said,
"Erin, just be love. Just be love. When you sing, don't sing for applause, or for money, or for success. You know those things may or may not come. Sing for love. Be love. Everything you do, let it be for love."
And this is my practice. I am writing for love. I sing for love. I give readings for love. I heal for love. And everything else- the good stuff, the bad stuff- the success, the failure- the gravy, the salad- it's all-
love.
