VERTIGO
Have you ever had vertigo?
The first time I ever experienced vertigo, I was in Varanasi
with a teacher, Anand, just after visiting the burning ghats, where the Indian
burn the bodies of their dead. I had been sick the entire trip, as I had been sick
in the US before I even got on the airplane. The whole story is so crazy I
don’t know how far back to start!
I had been visiting a lover who loved in San Francisco.
Collective gasp- I had a lover? LOL. Please see my one woman show. Anyway, he
was a great romancer. I had arrived at his place and he had scattered rose
petals on the stairway up to the bathtub, where bubbles were in both the pearly
white basin and in the glass of champagne chilling on ice. It was a beautiful
weekend of reading poetry, listening to music, and enjoying a fellow romantic…
until Sunday… during the day I had felt the tell-tale flush in my cheeks, but
had chosen to ignore it. That evening we sat on the sofa, a champagne cocktail
in hand, listening to Anne Sofie Von Otter and Elvis Costello’s heartbreakingly
beautiful rendition of “For No One.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxsDkB7tjnA
He looked down at me, I looked up at him, he leaned in to kiss me, and…
“You’re burning up,” he said, and I very suddenly was dying.
I told him I had to lie down.
That night my fever was so high I sweated through the
sheets.
I woke up a few days later, my gentleman friend looking over
me with worry in his eyes.
He said, “I was just about to bring you to the hospital.”
I sat straight up.
“What day is it?” I asked, bursting from the bed sheets,
feeling perfectly fine and dandy.
“Wednesday,” he said.
“Oh my God! I have to get on a plane to India on Friday!”
“I don’t know about that,” he said doubtfully.
“What happened? How did three days go by?” I asked.
“Well,” he said, “You’ve been sleeping and sweating through
the sheets, and then at one point you awoke and took a shower, and then accused
me of trying to poison you on behalf of your ex-boyfriend.”
I stared in disbelief, apologized, and rushed out the door.
A few weeks later, still feverish, staying at the Taj Mahal
in Varanasi, the room was spinning. I hadn’t eaten much in a few days, and I
was vomiting a slimy green projectile. It was Ghostbusters all over the place.
I was frightened, but Anand said, “You are burning off lifetimes of karma. Your
body and mind now are spinning, because your worlds are shifting so fast, they
have to spin to catch up to the greatness of your soul.”
Or something like that.
That was 2007. It lasted a few hours and then I could stand,
and walk, and brush my teeth, and breathe. Much more occurred on that trip, but
this is a blog about vertigo, because…
Two weeks ago, I had vertigo once again.
I woke up feeling a little funny- clumsy- stumbling as I
walked down the stairs to get breakfast for my fur baby, Henry and me. I
thought, Geez! I am light headed! I just
kept thinking that if I ate something I could ground myself. But as soon as I
had finished half my eggs (from my friend’s grain fed, free range chickens!)
and gluten free toast, I found I couldn’t lift my head without suffering
turbulent waves of nausea.
Historically I’ve always had a little trouble with
clumsiness. I have also had migraines, and motion sickness when flying on small
airplanes. This morning, the house was spinning. I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t
walk, I couldn’t even lift my head. I had to crawl back upstairs to the
bathroom and wait for the spinning to abate.
Nothing was happening, so I texted my roommate. Still early
morning, I wrote, “Hey, when you wake up, can you please come into my room and
help me? J
I am having vertigo and nausea. J “
Yes. I smiley faced my polite texts. I can just imagine some
day, on my dying bed. “Dear Nurse. Dying. Couldn’t empty bed pan this time.
Sorry. Anyway, see you next lifetime; this one has been a delight. Thanks for
the memories. J”
My roommate burst forth from her room. “What’s going on?”
she asked. Her timing was unfortunately excellent. At that exact moment I
reached for my trash bin and surrendered to the Gods of Vomit.
Oh.
Vertigo.
I remembered Anand’s words in that moment: my body and mind
were spinning to catch up to my soul…
$150 later, the Urgent Care doctor said “It’s probably a
virus” and gave me some anti-vertigo medication. Basically, the same thing that
I take on the little planes, of which I had an ample supply in my medicine
cabinet. And then, after being cared for and nurtured by my roommate, my
boyfriend, my dog, my sister, and my mother… And after about 20 hours of rest,
I woke up the next morning feeling like a MILLION BUCKS.
Until:
Monday afternoon I started having that funny feeling again… gee,
my head is spacey. I started feeling
nauseous and then? By the time I was meeting with my scene partner from acting
class? The world would not stop spinning.
When I closed my eyes, I knew I would throw up, so instead,
I stared at the off white ceiling, waiting, waiting, waiting. It was almost a
pleasant experience, the waiting, because I had no choice but to completely
surrender and it brought a calming experience of patience and faith. I knew
this, too, would pass.
I awaited my boyfriend who was coming to pick me up.
Certainly, I could not drive myself. I cannot say I was smiling. The life force
was drained from my existence just then. But I knew that I was not alone, and I
knew that there were reasons beyond my fathoming for this vertigo.
Now it has passed, and now Thursday evening, I am wondering
what it’s all about?
I made an appointment with my Primary Care Physician. I will
have him investigate all the medical reasons for vertigo. I read that Louise
Hay said it was about a “refusal to see,” but that really doesn’t resonate with
me. I mean, look. I’m open! I am asking God to show me what it is I am refusing
to see, as I am open to that being the spiritual cause… but really… I don’t
know if that’s it. I am not certain it’s what Anand told me it was years ago,
but then again, why not? And yet…
Here’s some of what I did ponder during the time of waiting
for the world to stop spinning:
How can I better reach my audience as a writer, singer, life
coach, love guru, psychic, and actress? How can I be more responsible to the
works of art I love? How can I create music and novels and films of value and
artistic integrity that are also entertaining? Once I create those projects,
how do I get them out there to the world so that people can find them? Why am I
having vertigo? Am I the Accidental Whirling Dervish of Valley Glen? These and
other mysteries have I examined in the infinite hills and valleys of my stucco
ceiling.
