It's August 26th, 2015. I've got August on my mind because, of course, it's the end of August, but also because just today I was talking about the August Strindberg play "Miss Julie," a role I would love to play and am very right for, and lately have been thinking about great characters and theater, and also, because I am writing this blog and was just going to title it with today's date but then thought of another great play, "August: Osage County," and thought since I want to write a bit today about my life specifically in Hollywood and some of the trials and pitfalls of late, it would be a clever title.
But the I thought I would explain if because sometimes I know I can be a bit obtuse and it's all relative, isn't it. One person's eye roll is another person's eye opener and it's all beautiful and all just right.
Anyway, long ago, by which I mean about a year ago, a financial life coach was advising that in my blog I should share some of my struggles as a singer/ actress/ writer. She thought that it would help potential fans and coworkers to see the real day to day struggle of life as an artist.
At the time, I rebuffed the suggestion, because I wanted to remain positive. I wanted to present and project a successful artist who wrote sensitive blogs and essays about peace and compassion. I also didn't want to rock any boats or out any people in my life because you know, it's a small town, and word gets around, and I don't want to burn bridges and stuff.
But lately, I've been thinking about what she said, and thought, well, geez. I'm blogging my one woman shows, I'm gonna be blogging chapters of my novels. I am going to also blog about my struggles and what I am going through as an aspiring and working singer/ songwriter/ screenwriter/ novelist/ actress.
I mean, that right there, that I do so many things and it really puts people (some people) off, is enough. But I aim toward honesty and mastery in all my arts- I already have love and passion for them!
I mean, I don't want to get into some of the mundane things- like- I recently did new headshots and saw that my body is carrying weight differently now in my 30s. Oh my god! Truly, I cannot believe how womanly I am. And it's not a BAD thing per se, because I think I get better looking with each passing year- my mother was the same- she blossomed in her 40s and was at the PEAK of her beauty circa age 50, garnering comparisons to Sela Ward. I feel I will be the same. But it still is a shock to look at your body, your stomach, and say, that is not the body of a 21 year old. That is a va va voom, Marilyn Monroe, womanly body. Of COURSE Marilyn, who died at age 36, had a womanly body from the time she was like, 16, but I feel I am living in a day and age where *I* personally feel pressure to be extra youthful. I mean, this may sound weird, but thank God for Kim Kardashian and her Venus of Willendorf curves, and let's embrace ALL bodies and all that. But really, I think the shock is that, well, I am on year older than my last headshots and while I mostly love myself and how I look and who I am and what I'm doing, well, I DO wish I were a little more successful and I am feeling a bit of pressure about age.
Blech.
But that's not what I really wanted to write about. That's me chickening out on some things that have been happening that I want to write about with kindness, but awareness, about life in Hollywood on a personal level.
So, in June, I did a one woman show (Not "The One," which I recently blogged here, but a NEW one called "StandUpera," about my life as a singer and the trials and tribulations. I WILL be blogging that one here later, as well after I add some scenes from later performances of "The One," and, my novel based on my play, "My Life as a Phone Psychic.")
Here's the amazing poster from the show, designed by Portland, Oregon based graphic designer, David Sparks, with a photo by Gracie Rae, inspired by my friend Cathy Carlson:
I did the show, as you can see, as part of the 2015 Hollywood Fringe Theater Festival. It was a multimedia show directed by my friend Nell Teare, featuring standup, story and song. I sang a few songs as part of the show, although we added and subtracted a few as the show really got its legs. Anyway, as I will be putting up video later of the show and its grand finale, I don't want to ruin too much of the surprise by writing HERE all the songs I sang... so, just know that, in general, I feel the show was a success in terms of the reviews I got (all positive except for a few people who were offended by my voice or by my thrashing of the conventions of opera, so I count those as positive, actually, because if you're not pissing SOMEONE off as a comic, well... maybe you're not doing it right? I dunno. Depends on the kind of comedy) and the audience reaction and even moreso, requests to do it again as a proper theatrical run or as a TED Talk.
One of the things that happened during the show was that I met a potential manager.
Now, let me preface things a little bit by saying that, as a singer, and an actress, and a writer, I feel that every year I keep improving and getting better. I am dedicated to being a master, whatever that means. I am better now than I ever have been in all my time as a professional (or amateur) singer, songwriter, performer, actress, writer. I continue studying with master teachers because I believe there is always room to grow. As the years go by, I become more and more commercial in my approach (believe it or not) because I realize I LOVE that stuff and, well, sound the BEST singing/ performing/ writing it. Like, I am MADE for musicals, and country music, and big ballad love songs a la Celine Dion. I am MADE for that emotionally, vocally, and in regards to my physical appearance.
Intellectually, I mean, of course I still love some of the more obscure and artsy fartsy and weird stuff, but even then, having inundated my artistic experience with that stuff in my teens and 20s, I actually am having a Renaissance as a fan/ listener with things I personally have never had time for before- please don't laugh- okay laugh- things like: Disney movies. Stephen King. Soccer.
So.
ALL of that is to say... What I think I need, really, is a break. Like, the big one. Like, my big break. Like, my shot at American Idol (which I am now too old for.) Like, meeting David Foster. Like, doing vocals for a Disney Princess movie.
(I will now insert the spoof of "A Whole New World" from Aladdin that I did for some of my dear Burning Man/ Fire Dancing friends: "A Whole New Burn."
Listen here- turn the volume up, probably, on your computer:
https://www.reverbnation.com/erincarere/song/24197349-a-whole-new-burn
The male voice is Franck Bensoussan, and the whole production was recorded by Andres Uribe Lopez of the Analog Vibe Studio.)
And at one of the performances of "StandUpera," in the audience, there was someone who, later, I would come to hope might be a link to that big break.
I feel worried to write about it here, because in no way do I want to be too exposing of this person, or encourage this person to be angrier or weirder than they are.
I am writing about it here because this has happened to me SO MANY TIMES in my life as a performer that I want to deconstruct WHY.
Why do I attract the people who project on to me their own delusions? As I write the blog, I will talk about other times it has happened. I mean, it is part of the territory of art and Hollywood in particular, to attract people who tell you one thing but really have entirely different stories running through their heads. And I want to share how I overcame my own delusions. SO many times I have had entire relationships and stories in my HEAD that had nothing to do with reality, and thanks to a life coach, an acting coach, and a few trips to India, I have grown in an awareness of those things.
So, I am giving away the ending a little bit here. At least I HOPE it's the ending! But let's go back to the beginning...
Picture it... there I was... the opening night of "StandUpera..."
to be continued....
