Oracle

 I found a long lost poem; one I wrote at age... 21 or so.

And lest I lose it again (although I remember it when I sing):

ORACLE

ORACLOracle

I walked numb and drunk to the oracle at Delphi that I might inhale Pythia's smoke and gaze into tomorrow I met a priest who drank the wine of wisdom he told me to go home but instead I stole his cup and the gods have grown  bored with my possibilities I can tell by the way my prayers are left bleeding in the dust over the entrance to the temple an inscription reads                       Know Thyself I know my gods I can smell them on my hands I kneel at an altar made of rain but i want to be Athena babies in my oceanic belly gods of war sucking at my breast Oh, Oracle, do not leave me alone with the vanishing smoke ask of me something I can give but the Oracle does not ask it tells and in this darkness where I stumble I discover I do not know the question I want to ask

Quatrains: December 17th, 2022: Wake Up!

Quatrains: December 17th, 2022: Wake Up!

In the ancient and eternal city

Missing the signs of God’s pure face.

Seeking religion in selfish self pity,

In shopping for leather, trying on lace.

Looking for meaning in Babylon,

In clouds, in darkening sky and rain,

Not children nor carols, nor trumpeter swans.

But in youth and wealth. In fame. In vain.

Where is love? How would do we know?

What’s the point of how we live?

We know this world is fleeting, though,

Every day emptied with less to give.

No! You’ve lost your mind in your revels, or

An abominable lack of imagination and love.

Wake up, O blessed traveller.

You’re asleep again, wake up. Wake up…

Tinnitus, 4:48 am (poem)

 Tinnitus, 4:48 am

Ringing silence in my ears.

My husband’s gentle breathing.

The air filter. A car outside.

This high pitched tone within,

A presence eternal 

And louder as the years go on.

Is it the Divine waking me up at dawn,

Secrets to distribute to its 

Devoted aspirant, me? or 

Some biological problem soon to give

Medical bills galore; Dizziness and

Thundering pressure;

My greatest hope is 

It is a symptom of allergies

Or migraines 

As every other potential diagnosis-

Which I cannot get with our current insurance anyway

As it covers almost nothing-

Is dreadful, dreadful.

At least there’s 

Something always to look forward to,

(Sly lift at the corners of my mouth) 

But the holy spirit does not like snarky jokes.

Cynicism is not the domain of my lord of kindness.

I know not from whence that comes in me

Only that sometimes I delight in its

Dark pleasures 

But I do believe in peace and 

My husband emits heat like an oven.

I have thrown off a weighted blanket,

One he had placed tenderly 

Just on my side. Just for me

And listening to him now

I think

I have never loved anyone

The way I love you,

My love

For this marriage is

A blessing and

You are my rock

And we squabble daily but

I don’t even need words like faith and trust because

You are you so deeply and

Completely

You

And you are so utterly the definition of

Faith 

And trust

I know I’ll never have to worry until

The terrible day one of us…

The air filter kicks up a notch

Randomly, it seems

Why in the middle of the night

Would it suddenly have to

Filter so strongly?

Is it because I awoke

And am emitting a different

Chemical in my breathing? Or

Some other presence as

I shiver—

A car speeds by 

And then fast,

Ephemeral,

It’s gone

And now I am awake

Sul serio,

For real, for the day, 

Undeniably. A

New chapter and

There’s something in this moment

I don’t want to lose

But I will carry it with me

Throughout the day

Whether I want to or not

Although I desire greatly yes to

Bring forth

The loudest sound, that chorus of ringing angels in my ears

Ever present

But not louder

If I listen

To the heartbeat of my love.

Ofrenda

My neighbors have a beautiful display-

red and yellow flowers, bowls of mango and gourds, sugar skulls.

Photos of those who have passed lovingly placed in the center.

I pass by respectfully and dream of my ofrenda. 

I imagine shopping for supplies,

lovingly attending to it throughout this thinning of the veils.

But I have no photo for the spirit of a daughter

who never took a single breath, never emerged from

my womb with a cry of "I am, mama! I am!"

Never.

I've heard people say a woman my age without children is selfish.

They do not know what they are saying.

They do not know how hard I tried.

And yet, perhaps I am. 

Selfish, I mean.

To weep for a pain I will never feel,

to indulge in hours of daydreaming over the most mundane of things.

Teenaged fights. Picking fallen leaves. Searching for four-leaf clovers.

If I had my daughter--

curly black hair like her father,

big eyes like mine. 

A little crossed,

but we'll get surgery for that when the time comes.

Dimples in her cheeks and one in her chin.

Bright, interested in science and the natural world,

A lover of Napoli's football club,

Fiercely brave and loyal.

At times, cold to those who've wronged her,

unable to hide her true feelings

and disdainful of those who do.

Eternally giving to whom she loves, though,

And like her parents,

Sometimes she gives too much.

On this year's Day of the Dead

I cannot create an altar to honor those I've lost

because I find myself still mourning

the one who will never be born.

What is it like to be alive?

 I imagine this is the kind of question that makes sense only once you've had an alternative experience.

I think about a vision I had once while meditating in a cave in the Himalayas along the Mother Ganga.

I was in all darkness, cold, but not so cold, lost in the darkness until I smelled- something earthy- fecund, perhaps- and above me I felt a sort of spreading warmth. I pushed up against- who knows what- it was so dark there was nothing visible- and a pressure below and within urged me to keep pushing, pushing, and above me the warmth kept spreading and then opening and softening and suddenly I burst through and I could see I was a sprout, and rapidly I watched "my life" pass before me, I grew tall and slender and bloomed and around me were all roses and I was a rose and I could smell the blossoms and sometimes I yearned for the sun and sometimes the dew came and I drank and I laughed and sometimes night fell and I closed in upon myself, and eventually I watched pieces of myself, pink and vibrant no longer, now falling all around me and scattered by the wind, and then...

It was over.

And I think this is what it is like to be alive.

Of course the monk in India will have many different experiences than the woman in Los Angeles, and both of us in 2021 (or 2007, or 1984) have a different experience compared to 1532 or 400 BC or a million years ago, in a way.

But we are all made of stardust, so...

To be alive as me right now means a million different things. It means constant interruption by the world, intrusions into my thoughts and my writing and my music, and yet if I shut everything out for fifteen blessed minutes or an hour suddenly there is an eruption and someone, somewhere needs something; I need those things for means of survival, for paying bills and not shutting off technology that provides my income and dreams to flourish, I find myself lonely without these relationships in my life, I am not just contained into one singular being, me and my thoughts, I am actually myself and my relationships and my works and my intrusions and my culture and the nature that precedes all of the above-

And to be alive now also means to expand greater than the sum of all those fears and needs and hungers and devouring desire and to

Shrink back into the demand of this moment, the essay I have assigned myself for a novel I can never stop thinking about, a character who wakes me up in the middle of the night, her need to be alive when she has never yet existed outside of my brain and words I type endlessly into a slim silver screen with a keyboard attached, listening to Cosmic Dancer on repeat, a song that doesn't even have a thing to do with the story of the character (let's call her Joan) or the time in which she actually would have been alive had she been a "real" person, but in listening to this song and allowing myself to just forget myself and my name and let myself dance myself into the tune or is it the tomb

The feelings that swell inside of me

Of being alive

Joan, she wants these things too,

You, me, the reader, the writer, we want these things,

To know constantly that

I am

that I am alive

that I am dancing,

out of the womb, right to the tomb,

now I'm just copying a great songwriter and all is lost once more.

And this is being alive.

But this slim silver screen, this keyboard, they are, right now, a part of me, and therefore as alive as I am, which is approximately at 67% because if I allow myself the full awakening of my existence my head begins to explode but

here it comes, can you feel it?

You're reading this, you're alive too, can you feel the soft expansion at the edges,

the light urging your forward out of the darkness toward the warmth and the gentle pressure to 

breathe, to breathe, to breathe to

feel all that shit you didn't really want to you had been ignoring you had been

where had you been 

where have you been all this time?

No matter, you're here now.

Let's dance.

Alabama Snake - the Darlene highlight reel

 Hey y'all! Here's a short version of the highlights of my work as Darlene in "Alabama Snake" on HBO.

Alabama Snake premieres TONIGHT!

 

Last night Carlo Carere and I attended the Drive In Movie Premiere of the HBO film, Alabama Snake. I appear as Darlene, a southern Holiness Preacher’s wife who is nearly killed by rattlesnake bite, the perpetrator of which is in question! 

It’s a documentary and it’s also an incredibly wild story with a ton of filmmaking flair! Uniquely American, too. We’ve been seeing great reviews and I wanted to share a few behind the scenes pics with you as well! 

It premieres tonight in HBO and then is available immediately after on HBO Max. Maybe later I’ll share a few of the really scary bts pics! 

I want to add that the makeup artists and effects folks really did amazing work in this project. Also, my fellow cast mates were really wonderful. Your heart’s gonna open almost as wide as your mouth on this story!!! 

#alabamasnake #laactress #screenwriter #screenwriting #hollywood #actorslife #nowplaying #makeupartist#hillbillyelegy #makeupeffects

We've been seeing some great reviews and I thought I'd share a couple blurbs and pics here with you all.

Until next time, be well and stay away from those d*** rattlesnakes, ya hear?

“Move aside, “Hillbilly Elegy”—the new HBO documentary “Alabama Snake” is the riveting (and terrifying) depiction of Appalachia that people need to see.”
-Nick Schager, The Daily Beast

"Alabama Snake takes the concept of dramatic re-enactments and applies a level of stylistic showmanship rarely seen in documentaries...Alabama Snake is shot like a horror movie, and edited and scored like one as well...Love’s stylization makes Alabama Snake stand out from the crowd."
-Katie Rife, AV Club

#AlabamaSnake .... “It’s not a story you hear every day: religion, relationships, and murder.” @hbo

Metropolitan Room of NYC, The Guinness Book of World Records, and ME!

 Hey guys! Saturday night I performed as part of the Metropolitan Zoom's

 --- formerly known as the Metropolitan Room of NYC ---

24 Hour Virtual Variety Show!

And why did we do this crazy 24 hour show?

Which, by the way, was the SECOND 24 hour show I've been a part of (only this time I didn't perform all 24 hours like I did last time) and also the SECOND TIME REGARDING THE REASON WHY:

To achieve the GUINNESS WORLD RECORD for doing so!

The first 24 hour show I ever did (on purpose anyway) was in 2017 with Taylor Mac here at the ACE in Los Angeles.

But the first Guinness World Record I was part of/ associated with was Mark Mallman's longest continuously performed song, probably circa... 2013? And I rode along and sand a wee bit of opera for the end of it.

Anyhow

for this performance, I sang a funny song and a sad song. If you prefer sad songs, skip to halfway through. If you like 'em all, here ya go:

ANNOUNCEMENT: ALABAMA SNAKE, coming to HBO later this year... and I'm in it!

A brief pause on writing about Henry to let you all know that....

I am so excited that I can finally announce this!

Last summer I had a major role in the HBO film, ALABAMA SNAKE, coming soon! 

Somehow, I'm not in this picture. Eek! But when you see the movie, you won't miss me!

Hint: I played a role that may or may not have been the antagonist. Or was I a protagonist? As Hamlet said, "nothing is either good or bad, only thinking makes it so." But this story, in which I played a real person, will make you wonder: just who was the real snake in this story?

Coming to screens near you a little later this year.

https://deadline.com/…/mark-jay-duplas-the-lady-and-the-da…/

ALABAMA SNAKE, directed by Theo Love and produced by Bryan Storkel, explores the story of Oct. 4, 1991, when a violent crime was reported in the town of Scottsboro, Alabama.

Glenn Summerford, a Pentecostal minister, was accused of attempting to murder his wife with a rattlesnake. The details of the investigation and the trial that followed has “haunted Southern Appalachia for decades.”

We filmed last year on location and I just loved Alabama. It was beautiful: at night, full of fireflies and magic. Everyone I talked with- and I talked with everyone, basically- was so very nice. I learned a lot about Pentecostal Christians, a world I hadn't known much about before, but could see parallels with some of the more ecstatic kundalini yoga groups I've stayed with in ashrams in India. 

I also spent some time at the Scottsboro Boys Museum, delving into something I studied in high school but which I was soberly reminded of in person. It's a shameful piece of our US history that should be preserved and understood... and it saddens me that we are only a few steps beyond that. Black Lives Matter!

But back to the film. It was a great set. My fellow cast & crew were beyond excellent. I'd love to shout out to everyone individually... but then I'd basically just have to give a list of cast and crew as if it were a ship manifest or something. Still, you’re going to LOVE the makeup on this, and I truly miss a few of my wardrobe pieces that I grew oddly fond of. PUFFED SLEEVES! 

Also, my inner adrenaline junkie got a HELLA lotta fixes. I can’t give away too many details yet, but let’s just say that not only did I do some stunts… and learned I can survive certain “enhanced interrogation tactics”… (OH, I LOVED IT, SO DON’T WORRY IF YOU’RE READING THIS, HBO.) But I also got to work with ANIMAL actors… You all know I love animals. Some of which are named in the title. Only after wrapping on my fellow serpentine talent did one of the snake handlers approach me to tell me I was “a very brave woman.” It was at that moment that I wondered to myself, “Am I brave? Or stupid?” Since I survived, I’ll pick brave!

Truly, I had 100% faith in the project! As you can tell, I’m very proud of this film and my part in it. I cannot wait for you all to see this beautiful, creepy, Southern Gothic exploration of religion and crime.

I'll share some more pics when I can. And certainly I'll share more details when the time is right.

XOXO

Erin

interlude

I suppose it happened about the time he made an off-color comment followed by a sly look

That was when I noticed golden strands in his dark hair

And although there was just this quick exhale, not more than two seconds of recognition,

The old phrase came to heart first and then to mind:

"Uh oh."

2019, Year in Review; Decade in Review

I'm writing this with 20 minutes to spare before my friend arrives and we are off to a series of New Year's Eve parties; glittering in my sparkling blue and diamond drop earrings to match my eyes, a mesh rock and roll sweater over a black and red hearted bustier, black jeans and black stiletto pumps... a faux fur in the back seat and ear muffs, because I'm apparently still 12 when it comes to both my tolerance for cold (nonexistent in Minnesota, even less so here in southern California) AND my choice in outerwear...


So who cares about a year and a decade in review? But celebrating all our failures helps us grow and having compassion for ourselves can pivot us in new directions... and honoring our achievements helps us feel happy... and we are entering the NEW ROARING 20s and I have a costume change or two left in me!

So! Shall we, briefly, then?


2019: THE GOOD: Henry is still alive. Carlo and I won a bunch of contests with a script we wrote. We produced a middling short film with a great story and got it into a few festivals and licensed it to a real cable channel. I worked on a top secret film I can't talk about yet but got to see how good of work can be done when fully supported by cast and crew and production entities and network... i.e., I didn't have to wear a million hats myself and didn't have to do a million hours of my day job, thereby losing energy. My mom had a big birthday and we all got together to celebrate her in northern Minnesota and I remembered why I love the place I was born. I survived another year in Los Angeles without a sugar daddy unless you count my credit cards in which case I'm fucked. I got a lot more honest because I'm just too damn old to lie about much else. I lost my way as a singer but started working with my genius vocal teacher Gary again after a hiatus and my soul is all the better and happier for it. I lost ten pounds. I gained three back. I lost them again. I gained them back again. I stopped weighing myself. I got to see all the nephews and niece on *my* side of the family. My Italian improved marginally, by which I mean by about 3%, and that's mainly in that I lost any fear of sounding like an idiot because I've made peace with the fact that, well, you get the picture.

2019: THE BAD: Henry has cancer. My food issues and body image issues suck and I hate diet culture. Social media in general. The passing of some family members. Some health issues among those I love. I'm basically a walking headache. I was paying off debt (see above) until Henry got sick, now I'm just dealing with the fact that my humanity is born to give to small dogs with underbites. Um.... I've been attending protests and marches on behalf of the environment since I was a child (remember Kids 4 Saving the Earth? Yup, member of my town's chapter) so my alarm is at the same level it has been at for decades, now, so I still do what I can without wringing my hands. My focus currently is on homeless people in Los Angeles more than anything, how to help people, and those who don't want the help, how to not let them rob me. Oh, I've been robbed by homeless people a couple of times. But I don't know if that's bad per se. It's just that I don't rob them, I really don't, I don't think I even do systemically, so I find it unfair, but I'll just manage my mind around that as my heart breaks daily.

THE TENS: THE GOOD: A music video for a song called "Too Much." A music tour to SXSW. A visit to Prophecy Rock. My sister moved to Los Angeles. Two one woman shows, one of which was really good ("The One.") Manhattan School of Music. Laura's wedding. CARLO! CARLO! CARLO! I love Carlo. We moved in together, I took his last name. It's all confusing, but heck, we love each other more now than ever before so whaddya know. Spy v Spia. Time Zero, our first script together, won a bunch of awards, then Dark Horizons, our pilot together did the same. Got to work with one of the all time greatest. Found the acting teacher that not only got me, but got me to soar, James DiStefano. Another Virgo! (Not me, in case you were wondering, but so many of these important people in my life are Virgos, which is curious,) Learned to really sing and changed my approach to music with voice teacher Gary (Virgo.) Made a few dear new friends. Did a million readings on 12. Took hundreds of Bar Method and Pop Physique classes each and love them equally and both for different reasons. Changed my hair color. A lot. Black to brown to red to blond to platinum to red to blonde to blonder to brown to strawberry bronde. Saw Naples (and now I can die, thank you Goethe, but I won't, not just yet.) Niece and nephews! Italian nieces and nephew! Film festivals galore. Mexico, New York City, Rome, Minneapolis. Sang for a lot of film scores, weddings and parties and gigs. Played with gifted musicians. Avoided lawsuits. Wore some amazing dresses. Discovered Lincoln in the Bardo, Chico y Rita, METOO, Parasite, JoJo Rabbit, Better Caul Saul, Kimmy Schmidt, Downton Abbey, Casa de Papel, Upstart Crow, heard Madeleine Peyroux live, and am ending the year 7 chapters into a novel I'm obsessed with writing.

THE TENS: THE BAD: All but one of my best friends living in Los Angeles moved away and quit the business (I did not, though!!!). People died. Also music died, for me. But I'm trying not to be curmudgeonly about it. We lost Leonard Cohen and Prince and Bowie and lots of other people too soon but some in the natural, normal cycles of life. I miss my childhood friends and early 20s friends desperately. Almost got caught up in a cult. Didn't get to see my family nearly enough. The obvious emotional turmoil over "division," but mainly I'm sad that racism, xenophobia, anti-religious sentiment, anti-poor sentiment, sexism, human and child trafficking and the priority of money over humanity and creativity still exists.



TO SUM UP:

I think I might be the woman I always dreamed of being...

I don't mind getting older, but I wish the rest of the world also didn't mind...

Funny bumping into you here, huh?

Nothing a great dress and tube of lipstick can't fix... and if it is? Well, let's dance. Gotta run. My friend just got here~