Tinnitus, 4:48 am
Ringing silence in my ears.
My husband’s gentle breathing.
The air filter. A car outside.
This high pitched tone within,
A presence eternal
And louder as the years go on.
Is it the Divine waking me up at dawn,
Secrets to distribute to its
Devoted aspirant, me? or
Some biological problem soon to give
Medical bills galore; Dizziness and
Thundering pressure;
My greatest hope is
It is a symptom of allergies
Or migraines
As every other potential diagnosis-
Which I cannot get with our current insurance anyway
As it covers almost nothing-
Is dreadful, dreadful.
At least there’s
Something always to look forward to,
(Sly lift at the corners of my mouth)
But the holy spirit does not like snarky jokes.
Cynicism is not the domain of my lord of kindness.
I know not from whence that comes in me
Only that sometimes I delight in its
Dark pleasures
But I do believe in peace and
My husband emits heat like an oven.
I have thrown off a weighted blanket,
One he had placed tenderly
Just on my side. Just for me
And listening to him now
I think
I have never loved anyone
The way I love you,
My love
For this marriage is
A blessing and
You are my rock
And we squabble daily but
I don’t even need words like faith and trust because
You are you so deeply and
Completely
You
And you are so utterly the definition of
Faith
And trust
I know I’ll never have to worry until
The terrible day one of us…
The air filter kicks up a notch
Randomly, it seems
Why in the middle of the night
Would it suddenly have to
Filter so strongly?
Is it because I awoke
And am emitting a different
Chemical in my breathing? Or
Some other presence as
I shiver—
A car speeds by
And then fast,
Ephemeral,
It’s gone
And now I am awake
Sul serio,
For real, for the day,
Undeniably. A
New chapter and
There’s something in this moment
I don’t want to lose
But I will carry it with me
Throughout the day
Whether I want to or not
Although I desire greatly yes to
Bring forth
The loudest sound, that chorus of ringing angels in my ears
Ever present
But not louder
If I listen
To the heartbeat of my love.
