It's the weekend of the Oscars (that final religious
celebration during the acting holy days) and I awoke with a familiar
dream, full of scenes from favorite films ("Holy Smoke" and "The
Departed," this time, although the movies themselves change in these dreams of mine), a little
regret over not having made better choices earlier in life, and this
yearning that has been with me since as long as I can remember: That is, the yearning to be an
actor, to sing, to make movies, to create. To tell stories and move
people and be moved. To make 'em laugh. To make 'em cry.
The desire has never left me. In fact, it only gets stronger.
And I do what I can. I learn. I study. I grow. I dedicate
my life to mastery. I audition - an art unto itself - and sometimes it
goes brilliantly, sometimes it straight up sucks, but I pray for the
best and let it go.
Now, as an adult... no, truly, I'm a grown up now. It
happened over the last few years with an awakening to the fact that I am
responsible for my happiness. Despite the fact that I am far more
responsible AND pragmatic than ever I was in my teens and 20s, I want
more than ever to act, to sing, to write.
And I ask myself, why?
Not with judgment. I approve of my desires. That's a far
cry from my teens and early 20s, when I was afraid to reveal my secret
to others, afraid of the shame in my heart and derision in their eyes
when I would say, "I wanna be an actor." Today I know not only I want it, but that I deserve it and I'm great at it. If you've never gone
through a creative crisis, you may not realize how paramount those
beliefs are. They are everything.
No, I mean, I ask myself "why" as in, what is it about a
dream like acting and singing and writing, a dream to truly pursue art
and talent, that is so powerful? So powerful that people are willing to
leave their homes and families and travel across the world to enter a
city that is a sea of sharks and jewels, praying for just a glimpse of a
jewel, making friends with the sharks but trying not to be one
yourself?
People have asked this question since the dawn of
adventure, I suppose. Aristotle's "On Poetics" comes to mind. So do
the cave paintings.
I think it has something to do with a search for deeper
meaning. What does it truly mean to be human, to be alive? Where is
God?
And those questions are the ones secretly explored when we
ask the other questions. What is the inciting incident that launches Act
Two? What does my character want? Is a G7 chord better here than a
Bminor?
I get to inhabit many lives in this one life of mine.
Through these connections to story, I connect to myself and to humanity
and to the team in whatever we are doing. The people in the casting
office, my agent, the musicians in my band for March 11th,
the audience, the movie theater employees, the actors, the composers,
James Stewart, Kim Novak, lions in Africa. We are all weaving our story
into the tapestry of humanity, vaulted into the stars in the night sky
for some distant ancestor in another time and space, looking for meaning
in their own painful dramas.
And in the meantime...
I'll try to make 'em laugh.
