Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't believe they exist.

Here's one from the ROUS Files.

Ugh.

Anyone who knows me well knows I HATE rats. In fact, one of the reasons I have a hard time living in my beloved NYC is because of all the rats. Man, oh man, I must have been a victim of the bubonic plague in a past life or something, because I hate rats. I mean, I "love" all of God's creatures, but that doesn't mean I want rats anywhere near my personage.

I'm not the biggest fan of cockroaches, either, but I don't necessarily jump on the couch when a cockroach runs by. I gird my loins, go to Target, and buy roach traps.

I don't have a problem with spiders. Not at all. Weird, huh? Or snakes. No fear. Not saying I want to walk in on a Python, but not scared, either.

Anyway, so, I believe (and whether I believe it erroneously or not, I continue to believe) that if you keep a very clean house, you will not have pests. So I clean often and thoroughly. Of course, I *have* lived in Florida and Mexico, and so know that to a certain extent, we are really pitching tents in bug territory and not vice versa, but still. I like to joke, whenever I see a bug I'm not fond of in my home, that they don't pay rent, so they're not allowed to stay.

Now, Carlo and I share a back parking lot with a famous, fancy, spendy sushi restaurant here in Los Angeles. I won't name it because in no way do I want to give a bad name to them. I've never eaten there but I've seen the celebrities ducking in and out through the back door, and all the valet guys and chefs, with whom I interact pretty regularly (we share dumpsters) are incredibly nice, except for one dishwasher who is always winking at me and giving me a hand gesture which I think means something along the lines of "voulez-vous coucher avec moi," I'm not frightened, by the way, those of you who may advise me to stay safe... he's about 4'10" and 90 pounds and 70 years old and I'm pretty sure I could pop him pretty good if not outrun him. He's just trying his luck.

Okay, back to the famous sushi restaurant. It's still a restaurant, and while they do have an "A" rating from the City of Los Angeles, they still have back dumpsters full of leftover food stuffs AND we are still in a pretty cockroach ridden city, here, this city of Angels, and so...

there are cockroaches in my back parking lot.

Uuuuuguggghghghghhghggh.

Now, out apartment is tidy. It isn't perfect, but it is cleaned regularly and ruthlessly by yours truly. But when I moved in, I saw those suckers by the back dumpsters and thought, oh, hell, no. Oh, no. Those MF's are not coming anywhere near me. And I bought roach traps and put them outside by the back door as a sort of insurance policy.

The roach traps keep disappearing.

I don't know if someone is stealing them (possible. I have awakened twice now around 5 in the morning to see people dumpster diving.) I am hoping it's not some local cat taking it. One of my friends suggested it might be the roaches themselves, carrying it off to their McMansion behind Target.

Carlo thought it might be a neighbor who doesn't want to buy their own, or, a neighbor who tosses them out because they are an eyesore. (Our building is like the last broke-a$$ artist living quarters in an otherwise gentrified neighborhood.)

At any rate, I was cleaning in our apartment and remarking about this one time, when I moved in, I was cleaning and found some things that Carlo swears he had never seen nor would any of his roommates have ever been caught dead with. I can't tell you what it is because I promised him I would never tell anyone, specifically my parents, that I had found any kind of drug paraphernalia whatsoever in the house. (See what I did there?) He's a former law enforcement guy. There's no way it was him. What was more frightening to me was that no one had ever cleaned out the back of this particular closet since Carlo moved into this place five years ago. Which means probably the landlord never actually cleaned it. Ever. More stories about that some other time, but this morning, I was just doing a quick sweep and mop and relating the story about that time and talking about the missing traps when Carlo pipes up,

"You know, Neil DeGrasse Tyson says that all the scientists say that when, not if, but when, because it is inevitable, when humans go extinct, the species that will run the planet will be rats. And cockroaches. And not only will they thrive, but the will grow to be huge, like human sized."

"Rodents of unusual size? I don't believe they exist," I quoted.

Carlo, and Italian, has not yet seen that movie, and so he believed I was being sincere.

"Oh, yes. Giant rats, and giant cockroaches, too."

Then I did it. I let myself imagine that as a reality.

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "Worse than the day I was in Cuernavaca (Mexico) and saw the flying three inch cockroach hover over my burrito."

My mind instantly flew to a 1950s style horror movie: "Giant Rats Vs. Giant Cockroaches."

Ugh. Happy Saturday morning! Now THAT oughtta inspire some house cleaning, eh?!?!?