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January 13th, 2015
This
morning, while walking Henry, I was listening to Mark’s Radio show (Mark
Husson, the founder of 12Radio.com, where I host my show, Wide Open) and it was
all about MARS in PISCES. I am the epitome of Pisces. Hello, this blog is
called ErinThePisces! Ha! I know a lot of my non-believer blog readers roll
their eyes at my Piscean Astro References, but I think they secretly enjoy it
anyway. After all, spirituality and cultural belief systems that have been
passed down throughout the ages share pathways weaving in and out and around
one another, as if the earth were a basket woven from mobius strips…
Anyhow,
Mark was talking about how, when a Pisces loves (and therefore loses self
because Pisces becomes one with the object of love… which is why so many people
often ask, “will the real Pisces (me, Liz Taylor, Albert Einstein) stand up?”)
the only way the Pisces can dissociate from that object of love when it is
ready to stop being ONE with it is by getting angry.
Whoa.
That explains, um, my whole life.
Anyway,
as the morning waxed, I grew ever snarkier, mostly targeting myself and my poor
choices in the past regarding my various artistic endeavors, although secret
daggers of frustration may have been
thrown toward my beloved as well.
I
spent 15 minutes on the elliptical machine at the gym on the highest setting. I
was determined to huff and sweat and puff and melt my way toward some kind of
satisfaction until I noticed a yoga class beginning. ‘Probably not hard enough
for me,’ I thought darkly, ‘and there is nothing I hate more than wasting
time.’ Then I caught myself. I remembered that I had promised myself in my
journal pages earlier that morning that I would find more ways to have fun and
joy in life instead of pressuring myself all the time.
So
I walked into this yoga class at the ghetto gym I go to and sat down on a mat.
The first thing the teacher did was tell us all about her 40 days of no whining
detox. ‘Oh lord,’ I thought to myself, ‘self righteous new age merghhhh…’ Mind
you all, I am as new age as they come. Allow me to refer once again to the
title of this blog. This is where we laugh.
Then
she said, “Today we are going to work on our PMA.”
‘PMA?’ I thought, ‘What’s a PMA? I
have a tight IT band and my hammies are messed, but what’s a PMA?’ Let me tell
you, as a woman with a license as a Massage Therapist with about a billion
hours of training, I have taken MANY anatomy and physiology courses and I could
not for the life of me think of what the heck a PMA was…
“Positive
Mental Attitude,” she continued.
Well
$***.
“We
live in Los Angeles,” she said, “where we are constantly having to accommodate
for all these people! 16 million people in this area! It is SO easy to get
angry, to justify our BAD ATTITUDES. And mostly we hold it against ourselves!
So let’s start by bringing up all our secret anger we hold toward ourselves,
all our aggravation. Don’t hide it now. Bring it up. We are going to embrace it
and release it. Close your eyes, and let’s begin to breathe…”
I
began to breathe. I began to pose. I began to sweat. And I began to weep.
By
weep, I mean, okay, tears streamed down my face but I made no sound. I just
wiped them away.
I
had been so grumpy and why? Because I am not as successful as I think I’m
supposed to be? Because I’m attaching to an outcome based on outside validation
rather than living in the joy of the moment and really living up to my
potential because it is the only thing I can do? Because why?
As
the class continued, the teacher asked us to bring up more sadness, more
disappointment, more aggravation, more anger at self, more ways that we don’t
think very highly of ourselves, and guess what? By the time we were 35 minutes
in, I just didn’t have any more anger. Trust me. I tried. I really did. But I
just felt… free.
“Depression
is not the cause,” she reminded us, “it is the symptom of blocked energy.”
I
remember years ago when I was REALLY depressed for many years. I would have
argued that the depression I suffered was some awful secret disease that I
would have to live with forever, that it was as far from a choice or a habit as
you could get, and that it was part and parcel to being an artist.
Then
I began seeking- well, um- God, as in, for real, MY life, and-
Then
I began practicing gratitude and different habits and movement that can lay
down new nervous pathways and meditation and doing what’s in front of me and
being of service and letting go of attachment and- well- um-
(This little kid is from India. He doesn't have a car or a credit card or a mortgage, and, in fact, I don't think he actually had a house. We met him at the school for the poorest children in the city of Rishikesh where the kids got to learn not only to read and write, but a trade to help them earn money if they were not able to go on to high school. That school had just started a scholarship program to help the kids go on to high school and then college if the kids were able to stick with it. A lot of the kids at the school at only once a day. If this kid can be this happy, surely I can do better with my attitude! I think the photo credit belongs to Rick Canter. If I'm wrong, someone please correct me!)
In
yoga, this morning, I was humbled and moved when I allowed the spirit of not
only the teacher but also all these beautiful class participants to move with
me and for me. The room transformed. These folks alongside me were not in my
way; they were on my team. The traffic of Los Angeles was not in my way, it was
an interweaving of hearts and souls yearning for love and happiness and I could
tap into THAT energy as much as I could tap into righteousness and indignation.
No
matter how enlightened I become, I still get to practice these humble pillars
of a love filled life: gratitude, willingness, love, compassion, awareness...
laughter… smiles… reaching out a helping hand…
The
teacher asked us all to make the following commitment: for the next seven days,
do not put yourself down at all, not once.
I
accepted the challenge and decided to blog about it. I want to blog about it to
keep myself honest and on it! That will be a very tall order for me I imagine,
because even though I REALLY have come a long way, I still have a certain
amount of artistic dissatisfaction that can translate into self-deprecation.
Look, I think dissatisfaction in art is very important. It helps us refine
ourselves as artists… but not at the expense of our spirit. It is a high wire
act, therefore, to be willing to be dissatisfied righteously but merely observe
the self toward greater mastery. That is my aim.
I
will report back about how it is going. So far, 6 hours in, I’m doing pretty
well! Now, only 162 hours to go. Wish me luck!
