Working on those PMAs...

 
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January 13th, 2015

            This morning, while walking Henry, I was listening to Mark’s Radio show (Mark Husson, the founder of 12Radio.com, where I host my show, Wide Open) and it was all about MARS in PISCES. I am the epitome of Pisces. Hello, this blog is called ErinThePisces! Ha! I know a lot of my non-believer blog readers roll their eyes at my Piscean Astro References, but I think they secretly enjoy it anyway. After all, spirituality and cultural belief systems that have been passed down throughout the ages share pathways weaving in and out and around one another, as if the earth were a basket woven from mobius strips…

            Anyhow, Mark was talking about how, when a Pisces loves (and therefore loses self because Pisces becomes one with the object of love… which is why so many people often ask, “will the real Pisces (me, Liz Taylor, Albert Einstein) stand up?”) the only way the Pisces can dissociate from that object of love when it is ready to stop being ONE with it is by getting angry.

            Whoa. That explains, um, my whole life.

            Anyway, as the morning waxed, I grew ever snarkier, mostly targeting myself and my poor choices in the past regarding my various artistic endeavors, although secret daggers of frustration may have been thrown toward my beloved as well.

            I spent 15 minutes on the elliptical machine at the gym on the highest setting. I was determined to huff and sweat and puff and melt my way toward some kind of satisfaction until I noticed a yoga class beginning. ‘Probably not hard enough for me,’ I thought darkly, ‘and there is nothing I hate more than wasting time.’ Then I caught myself. I remembered that I had promised myself in my journal pages earlier that morning that I would find more ways to have fun and joy in life instead of pressuring myself all the time.

            So I walked into this yoga class at the ghetto gym I go to and sat down on a mat. The first thing the teacher did was tell us all about her 40 days of no whining detox. ‘Oh lord,’ I thought to myself, ‘self righteous new age merghhhh…’ Mind you all, I am as new age as they come. Allow me to refer once again to the title of this blog. This is where we laugh.

            Then she said, “Today we are going to work on our PMA.”

‘PMA?’ I thought, ‘What’s a PMA? I have a tight IT band and my hammies are messed, but what’s a PMA?’ Let me tell you, as a woman with a license as a Massage Therapist with about a billion hours of training, I have taken MANY anatomy and physiology courses and I could not for the life of me think of what the heck a PMA was…

            “Positive Mental Attitude,” she continued.

            Well $***.

            “We live in Los Angeles,” she said, “where we are constantly having to accommodate for all these people! 16 million people in this area! It is SO easy to get angry, to justify our BAD ATTITUDES. And mostly we hold it against ourselves! So let’s start by bringing up all our secret anger we hold toward ourselves, all our aggravation. Don’t hide it now. Bring it up. We are going to embrace it and release it. Close your eyes, and let’s begin to breathe…”

            I began to breathe. I began to pose. I began to sweat. And I began to weep.

            By weep, I mean, okay, tears streamed down my face but I made no sound. I just wiped them away.

            I had been so grumpy and why? Because I am not as successful as I think I’m supposed to be? Because I’m attaching to an outcome based on outside validation rather than living in the joy of the moment and really living up to my potential because it is the only thing I can do? Because why?

            As the class continued, the teacher asked us to bring up more sadness, more disappointment, more aggravation, more anger at self, more ways that we don’t think very highly of ourselves, and guess what? By the time we were 35 minutes in, I just didn’t have any more anger. Trust me. I tried. I really did. But I just felt… free.

            “Depression is not the cause,” she reminded us, “it is the symptom of blocked energy.”

            I remember years ago when I was REALLY depressed for many years. I would have argued that the depression I suffered was some awful secret disease that I would have to live with forever, that it was as far from a choice or a habit as you could get, and that it was part and parcel to being an artist.

            Then I began seeking- well, um- God, as in, for real, MY life, and-

            Then I began practicing gratitude and different habits and movement that can lay down new nervous pathways and meditation and doing what’s in front of me and being of service and letting go of attachment and- well- um-

(This little kid is from India. He doesn't have a car or a credit card or a mortgage, and, in fact, I don't think he actually had a house. We met him at the school for the poorest children in the city of Rishikesh where the kids got to learn not only to read and write, but a trade to help them earn money if they were not able to go on to high school. That school had just started a scholarship program to help the kids go on to high school and then college if the kids were able to stick with it. A lot of the kids at the school at only once a day. If this kid can be this happy, surely I can do better with my attitude! I think the photo credit belongs to Rick Canter. If I'm wrong, someone please correct me!)

            In yoga, this morning, I was humbled and moved when I allowed the spirit of not only the teacher but also all these beautiful class participants to move with me and for me. The room transformed. These folks alongside me were not in my way; they were on my team. The traffic of Los Angeles was not in my way, it was an interweaving of hearts and souls yearning for love and happiness and I could tap into THAT energy as much as I could tap into righteousness and indignation.

            No matter how enlightened I become, I still get to practice these humble pillars of a love filled life: gratitude, willingness, love, compassion, awareness... laughter… smiles… reaching out a helping hand…

            The teacher asked us all to make the following commitment: for the next seven days, do not put yourself down at all, not once.

            I accepted the challenge and decided to blog about it. I want to blog about it to keep myself honest and on it! That will be a very tall order for me I imagine, because even though I REALLY have come a long way, I still have a certain amount of artistic dissatisfaction that can translate into self-deprecation. Look, I think dissatisfaction in art is very important. It helps us refine ourselves as artists… but not at the expense of our spirit. It is a high wire act, therefore, to be willing to be dissatisfied righteously but merely observe the self toward greater mastery. That is my aim.

            I will report back about how it is going. So far, 6 hours in, I’m doing pretty well! Now, only 162 hours to go. Wish me luck!

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