So, who here slows down?
I mean, really. Who here lives in balance?
(Crickets.)
Tonight I was talking to my sister on the phone, ruing one
of my personality flaws (workaholism) and complaining that I need to take on
fewer projects and really focus in on what I truly want to do and only do one
or two projects at a time. She patiently waited for me to finish. Then she
said:
“But don’t you say this and go through this every few
months?”
Silence.
“Yes,” I responded.
“So can you hold on to this every day for the next seven
days?”
Silence.
See, the thing is, I get so excited about things that I MUST
do them ALL at once. Then I get overwhelmed and a week like this one happens.
Without too many gory details- because I absolutely HATE complaining, and, well,
I “say” I hate drama but apparently this week I’m getting plenty of it whether
I want it or not- I have bronchitis. I have an eye infection. I lost one car
and then the other just died while driving it. I got scathing reviews of one of
my projects, albeit mostly rather true and therefore helpful. But it still
hurts! I am practicing my tools of gratitude and asking for help and
forgiveness (of self) and gumption and cuddling with Henry as best I can!
And this, all in the midst of working my freelance careers
one and two, my singing career, acting career, writing career, training for a
half marathon, plus a relationship, plus and plus and plus and plus.
And I don’t even have children!
And these are very lucky problems to have, because my
problem is I have too many jobs. I apologize for complaining while some people
are in the face of not enough work… or far greater problems than me in general.
And yet, I’m an artist. It is my job to reflect back to the
culture and offer up something aspirational and inspirational (at least that is
one of my intentions as an artist.) Something to entertain, enlighten, enliven.
Something to give back in love and creativity.
And so with all this blah blah blah, I think, this must be a
wake up call.
See, I am confronting one of my deepest, darkest secrets,
one of my most insidious character defects.
I am a people pleaser.
And so in the midst of loving my projects and running around
doing everything I can to support my passion, I also mix in wanting to help
everyone everywhere, doing things so as to not let people down rather than
because I truly want to do them, (if you think this is you, it is NOT!) (Oh my
god there I go again.) (It may or may not be you! It probably isn’t. LOL.)
And so, in fact, as much as I hate to admit it, I seem to
have lost sight a little bit of exactly what it is I really do want to do.
I know I love my projects, but I am forging ahead on some of
them for the sake of getting them done rather than loving the process.
And that is not how I want to live my life.
When I was in India and saw that my misery was my own
making, I promised myself I would learn to love life.
And here I am a few years later, finding myself in some same
patterns and habits winding them selves up again for some kind of rut or
failure or, in my case (sigh.) Chaos.
So what is to be done?
I am going to experiment again with a new list of things to
do. This list does not shirk responsibility. Strangely I LOVE paying my bills
on time and love paying off debt. But, see, a few years back some family
tragedy hit alongside the release of my 2009 album. I completely slowed down. I
took baths. I walked instead of ran. I worked less and maybe made less money
but then ended up charging more and it evened out.
So, here I see the pattern I have and that, I bet, most of
us, at least in this culture, have: workaholism, frenzy, too much too fast with
little receiving of the joy of it.
Alright. So it’s time again for a slow down.
Because when I ask myself, what do I really want, and what
do I really love? It’s nice when I have an answer.
How do you make time for yourselves? How do you slow down?
Balance passion with rest?
Blessings and all things beautiful and passionate,
Love,
Erin
