Murmuring

It's Thanksgiving here in the U.S. and I am full of all sorts of feelings, none of which are exactly gratitude, but all of which point me toward it...

Last night I watched... well, actually, I sat in the other room doing a crossword puzzle, because I'm a wimp, but I poked my head in now and then, as my partner watched "The Purge 2." A bit over the top with its message about rich versus poor and the corporate use of money to control politics and therefore control the poor and middle classes, still, in the wake of Ferguson, it felt a bit too close to reality for my taste.

Caveat: I am in a "mood."

Next, today, we watched "This is The End," the hilarious post-apocalyptic romp from all the Freaks and Geeks crew.

I wanted so desperately to laugh. This movie is so funny! I saw it in the theater when it came out and loved it.

But I feel so full of yearning, instead...

And not of the "Birdsong" variety. I've been reading the book and although I am sure it's great, and something I would love in a lighter mood.... well, actually, maybe I AM in yearning of the "Birdsong" variety, since that is a book about the world before and during and after WW1. I am not in the same romantic place as the characters, but I am in the state of painful awakening and the choosing of hope anyway.

The world of humanity seems so full of sorrow and anger that it makes me open my heart up more to the world of nature. I seek that communion with possibility. I am experiencing the kind of deep yearning and desire I used to feel all the time as a teenager, when I wanted to write the most beautiful love songs and make beautifully romantic movies and write jokes and make people laugh. I want to feel excited about things and hopeful and I feel that it isn't really *my* thought process making me so blue.

I think it is very important to know what is happening in the world and to do everything in my power to be of some help.

And I think most important is to have some kind of faith in goodness.

I don't really feel any targeted sorrow or pain. I do not blame any individual person or circumstance. The uprising in Ferguson is not against an individual police officer but against a system of oppression and violence that is clearly ready for some change. I don't feel any worse about Ferguson than I do about Isis than I did about Sandy Hook- remember Sandy Hook? I do...

But...

I am seeking hope.

I think the answer is probably spiritual. I know many people who will suggest the bible, or meditation, or a renewed commitment to my ever steady spiritual practice. Perhaps I need to dig deeper into my art, my career, or maybe I just need a vacation. Maybe the world needs a vacation. I don't think I need a pill, nor do I think the world needs a pill.

I feel at such a loss that I am entering a deep surrender and, at least in my previous experience of deep surrender, through the looking glass there is a love deeper than all roses, a love of the deepest sort, a love with an awful understanding and a sense of purpose. That purpose is to love, and to be love, and to sing love, and to act love, and to shout love. And sometimes that purpose is to sleep love, and to cry love, and to sigh love, and to exhaust love until more love is all there is. For if love IS all there is then all of this is just some other bizarre expression of love far greater than my puny human understanding of it and the sky opens up before me and my heart becomes the sky and my eyes, the stars and my voice, the sound of a million sonic explosions of that which encompasses all emotions.

This is a very esoteric blog. I wanted to write something funny and witty. I wanted to talk about my new stand up act or my short film idea. I wanted to play you this song I wrote. I wanted to do something of purpose and meaning.

Instead I wrote this, and it's just fine.

Now I shall just look at you and smile, Mona Lisa style. No more words are necessary.