From hurt and anger and justifications, out of nihilism, and into love: my journey since the events of November 13th, 2015

Since Friday, I’ve been posting as many peaceful photos and articles exemplifying inclusion as I can throughout social media. Many of these were articles about France in particular, and about how Muslims around the world are grieving for the people victimized int he Paris attacks (as well as in Beirut.)

 I received a letter from someone who misread or misunderstood my intention and told me I was a racist for posting so many of these articles…. my intention is always love and solidarity and compassion and understanding. If ever someone thinks my intention is otherwise, I encourage that person to reach out to me so we can have an open minded and open hearted conversation about connection and deeper understanding. I am grateful for this misreading of my intentions, not because I can be understood by everyone, but because I believe in listening as much as I can, loving always, and rising up to an ideal of civility in discourse. Diversity is beautiful. Assumptions are dangerous. Conversation is encouraged. Love is all.

THE ABOVE is what I posted on Facebook, but I would like to add the following.

The events of Friday the 13th hit me almost as hard as the events of 9/11. I feared for the people of the world- honestly, for all people- for ALL people. Yes, all. Race, religion, color, creed, country of origin, country of destination, country of inhabitance, belief system, thinking, politics. All of us, all of you. For I truly love all of you.

And am I a nihilist? Sometimes. Do I get caught up in the anger at a world of violent idiots, in which group I include myself, for even our thoughts can lead to violence? I don't mean just the terrorist groups; I mean the systems that create such anger and hate in the first place. I don't mean just colonization, or even just patriarchy. I mean anger and frustration at the very existence of animals with sensitivity and violence and justification in the first place (humans.)

Well, actually, today? No.

Since Friday I have been stuck. Stuck in disappointment, sure. Anger, not as much. Sorrow, yes.

Stuck in my particular manifestations of my modern age, meaning, those issues and symptoms part and parcel to my "perceived" role in the universe.... let me be more clear.... a white, Scandinavian/ Scottish/ Welsh origin woman in her 30s who was born and raised in the middle of Minnesota who is auto-didactic, artistic, sensitive, driven and ambitious and now lives in Los Angeles, California but who has traveled the world in search of artistic and mystical meaning and truth.... so, I was stuck in my personal failures as an artist, my extra 15 or 20 pounds, my fears of who I really am and who we really are as people, my exhaustion, my boredom.... in short, the symptoms of "my" dis-ease in what I think is a moment of nihilism in the modern (2015) age as a stage in our own cultural evolution as a species.

Blech.

Today?

No more.

Today I am humbled by a stranger who, angry at his perception of my racism (although I maintain I was not being racist, but instead, trying to encourage people to STOP being racist... is acknowledging racism a racist act? A question for all us navel-gazers, to be sure!), wrote me a letter asking me to stop. I am humbled not because he misunderstood me or understood me but because he took the time to write.

It is easy to get angry.

It is easy to assume.

Today,

I seek to understand.

I seek to offer peace, love, and respect if not actual friendship. *Especially* with those folks with whom I do not agree. To those people, I especially reach out. Laugh away, or come join me for a cup of tea. I reach out to you anyway.

I seek to return to my work, the acts of creation, songs and writing and films of love and joy and understanding.

For myself, today, I recommit to love.

I had never actually left love,

I just got caught up in one particular way of showing it, and was left hurt by humanity.

Peace for us all.

Peace.