Hey y'all! Fbruary 22nd, 2014!
So yesterday was my birthday. I was having a minor freak out leading up to the day because the perfectionist in me could only see the things I had not yet accomplished by this point in my life that I wanted to and
blah blah blah BORING
and then I realized
there was my ego, at it again!
Trying to convince me there was something wrong despite all my learning and wisdom.
For truly, in my heart, I feel that my life is amazing and it should be celebrated. Each individual- be it flower, person or star- is amazing. Life is a gift and for those for whom it isn't, I must somehow be of service as an example to the higher calling of love.
So I put my birthday up on FB and celebrated! I celebrated by having a new lease on life.
Sometimes my habit of achievement is too strong but that is all it is- a habit. There is nothing wrong with achievement if it happens in the course of passion, love, commitment and service. But if the point of achievement is achievement above all other things, well, that is when things get dangerous. That is, for me, when I developed terrible eating disorders that almost killed me, combined with thoughts of "what's the point of living" and other suicidal tendencies. This, when I was 19, from the girl who "had it all." A full ride scholarship to an amazing school (which was not where IIII wanted to go, even though it was a very good school, but which I chose to appease my family and boyfriend and there best intentions at the time), thin and pretty, a 4.0 GPA, and a lovely voice with a promising future. But I was miserable because I was achieving to please others. I was not singing the songs I loved nor doing the things I wanted to do. (Granted, there are times we all have to do things that are not our preference, but if we are not being true to ourselves at all, those things are even more unbearable.)
Anyway, that led me to a life of rehab and dropping out and later, other bad habits. (See my one woman show) until finally I started doing what was in MY heart, despite what everyone else thought. So for me, despite the fact that rehabs and drugs and alcohol and bad relationships nearly ruined my life, they were actually an important part of the progression. Not a necessary one. But an important one. ("See, people, who love me, see what I do when I am not eing true to myself? better we just let me be a singer/ actress/ writer/ artist and stay alive than do what is culturally acceptable.!" By the way all of that was mostly in my head. A little in my familys mouths, too.)
And now here I am.
A working artist, passionate about singing and my current script, in a great city with a community of fellow artists (I LoVE LA!) and my weekend of birthday celebration includes hanging ut with my fellow artists, doing my art and watching others perform theirs.
Have your life. Really. I mean it. Have. YOUR. Life.
I spent my life rehearsing for Sirens on March 1, which I am really excited about.
Now here is the other experiment.
Because of the history of eating disorders in my life, I am usually pretty hesitant to try any diet or plan. Juice fasts and the master cleanse have almost always, in ME, triggered lapses/ relapses. Some say history is not present, and while that is possible at levels of very heightened awareness, I feel it is better for me to be honest about my current level of awareness if I choose to see through the mythology of human story into the transformative powers of self love. Meaning: history does not necessarily equal present moment, but it is still something I remember and I simply am not a spiritual master who needs juice cleanses to reach higher states of awareness just yet. If I am in need of that intensity, God/ nature/ divinity will make that very clear. Why does spiritual growth have to be a battle? Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't, who am I to say. But I feel like so many people do these juice cleanses (as an example) and "overcome" their demons and I guess I have just experienced a different kind of growth: embracing myself and treating myself, including all the life I have lived right or wrong, with respect and forgiveness and kindness and compassion and tenderness is perhaps a faster road to loving nature. As if there was a road. There is only love that sometimes takes the shape of a road.
(ha! Humans. So conflicted. So paradoxed. So goofy.)
Last fall I had walking pneumonia. Spiritual and energetic reasons aside, I still haven't fully healed. I have been a little unwell since September and I am still experiencing minor symptoms of sinus pressure, coughing, and congestion. Basically the pneumonia part seems gone but its like I have had this cold for months. In researching ways to heal myself, I have come across Dr. Alejandro Junger and J.J. Virgin, two separate people with separate programs and systems that say similar things: detox yourself (oh there it is!) from the foods that are potentially clogging to your system, or which are most known to cause allergies and sensitivies. Then re introduce them to see how they fare.
So I am going to try it, for one month, if I can, and then reintroduce the foods, one at a time.
The foods are:
I already don't drink or smoke or do coffee.... but I do love tea.
I am not sure about honey.
I know sometimes you can have very dark chocolate but lately even my taste for chocolate is disappearing.
I don't really eat meat, either, although I will. (When in Rome.)
So I am going to be eating three meals a day and we will see if I truly heal from this diet.
So, I haven't weighed myself in years, truly, years and years and years. I am certainly not going to start now so I won't be able to tell you if I've lost weight specifically. I would love to tone my body just a little more overall but the truth about that stuff is, I pretty much have no idea how I actually look because I am always surprised by myself in pictures- good and bad- and I am so sick of this body shaming thing it's ridiculous. So I won't be able to report "results" in that way.
But I will share things about skin, hair, overall size, health, coughing, aches, pains, whether or not I make it even, (sometimes I attempt things and they are too triggering so I hang up the towel.)
And we will see how this goes.
It is now about 7:15 am and I want to walk my little man (Henry Monster the Muppet.) Here is a pic of him for your enjoyment. :)))
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
“No, no, your girlfriend is just pretending she doesn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day…”
Guess how many of my boyfriends (not current, I only have ONE boyfriend currently, haha!) (I mean throughout the history of the men I’ve dated!) have reported back to me such comments during discussions with others about February 14th!??!
All but one.
I am talking here about long term, serious relationships. I am talking about guys that met my parents. I am talking about men I love(d) and who love(d) me.
These are men rich and poor, foreign and local. From Little Falls, MN. From Naples, Italy. From Dusseldorf, Germany.
Only one man ever voluntarily celebrated Valentine’s Day by buying me something, and guess what?
That was and remains PERFECTLY acceptable to me.
I hope I don’t get banned from Hallmark’s for saying this, but, um,
I don’t really care.
“Wait a second,” you may be asking yourself now, “WHO is writing this? Is this Erin? What have you done with Erin? The one who extols the virtue of romance? The one who wrote a whole goshdurned 90 minute show about love? The one who sings, and not with any shame or hint of sarcasm, Celine Dion’s ‘The Power of Love’ in public?”
Yup. Me. That one. THE ROMANTIC.
Now let me tell you another secret.
I LOVE Valentine’s Day.
As a kid, this was my favorite holiday.
I loved buying Valentine’s and creating a special little “mailbox” made out of a show box, all covered in red construction paper with pink hearts and doilies. I love candy, chocolate, romance, perfume, all things girly and sexy. I love love. I love Valentine’s Day.
But I feel like I, like so many gals and perhaps guys, are sick of the EXPECTATION of spending money on V-Day.
I loved the cards and little notes as a kid, and in retrospect, because in order to take the time to sit down and write “to Gina, from your friend Erin,” something moves from within. Even if I’m doing it because the teacher said so, I am spending a moment to think about Gina. I am taking a moment to honor her in my life. I may even think about the fun times we’ve spent and think about how fun the upcoming birthday party will be. Who knows…
So I love the intention of Valentine’s Day, I do! I truly do.
And I don’t even mind the spending money thing. In fact, I think for certain businesses, it can be a great boon. For example, as a singer of romantic songs, this is one of my busier times for gigs! One of the day jobs I have had includes massage therapy. Another big time for extra work. As a small business owner, I certainly appreciate people wanting to invest in what I have to offer to shower their love on another person.
But I am not pretending when I tell my boyfriends, “I don’t care if you don’t buy me flowers for Valentine’s Day.”
That’s not why I am dating them. I am not dating them so that I get stuff on February 14th.
I WILL celebrate this day, because I love love love love LOVE. I will wear pink and red and send cards and notes. I will call my niece and nephew. I will also be working, helping other people share their love.
But I won’t encourage anyone to be forced into consumerism as a display of love.
Least of all the man I love!
I can buy my own flowers, if I want them.
I prefer to let people be moved to give me gifts or send me notes or NOT. Whatever is intrinsic to THEM, be it friend, family or beau.
p.s. I have been very lucky in my life to date men who always said “I don’t need a holiday to be romantic” and were honest in saying so… But it’s the EXPECTATION of someone having to turn into something they are not that causes so much frustration in love. Find ways to love the person in front of you without needing them to want the same things you want. Just try it. And if you want flowers, do what I do! Buy them!
I LOVE YOU
HAPPY LOVE DAY
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Mariners, wanderers, flyers o’er the fields,
I salute you in secret sorority, for I know, too, the world
Is made of more than endless days and thoughtless says,
Of board rooms, the dow, that Godotian raise.
Oh! I know the tedious glory of sunrise on the sleeping buds,
Shuddering, breaking, yawning then, creaking into blooms;
The melodies a tree can sing if you listen very closely,
The horns, the flute, the tympani, reaching in to shake ye,
And share- oh? what? Love/? Or life? or messages
Of… nothing. As the most beautiful thought to ravage you!
And your heart, to call you to things beyond dull tribute
As the ideas so reasoned out, so rigid as what men dispute.
Wild Wanderer, That is my name.
But you can never call me by it-
…the calling, you see,
I’ll change my form the minute you see me again.
And I’ll laugh, I’ll howl!
With you, at you, for you. The choice is yours.
For who am I? Who are you?
I am the greatest against which you can rage
And that which makes you lovelier still
I am your deepest longing,
Your spirit, and your self,
Your wishes and your falling, your wings, your crash, your help,
I am the stars which shriek at night
Just to see your face
And yet you slumber
In disquieted repose
Forgetful of your grace
….come to me…. Come to me… and I promise you will see
a magic deeper than all roses, than all tricks, than any and every mountain mist,
than the dust you flick at tremendous skies, calling it sublime,
for I am the birth of all your fears
all your lies
and each and every desire,
and yet all your dreams,
and every prize, and every inspiration alight-
I am never home, and I am always here,
And I will never leave and I will never come
And I will never rest until you are where
I am, my love.
Now open your eyes.
Friday, February 7, 2014
You can listen to the final track from my new album, “Songs” on YouTube, featuring the lyrics:
And you can buy it on iTunes:
Each of the songs on my album was chosen because it was a crowd favorite or specific request, and has special meaning to me as well. The last song is “Time to Say Goodbye,” also known as “Con Te Partiro.”
We know it as "Time To Say Goodbye." But in Italian, the translation is really "With You I will go..." It is a gorgeous promise of sharing a new life of love, embarking upon a new journey with the awareness of the grace of it. I feel this way both in my personal life as well as my musical life.
What I love most about music- wait... There are so many things I love most about music…. But one of my absolute favorites things is that some songs transcend the boundaries of age, life experience, and political point of view…
This song, as I have experienced as both a performer and fan, is one of those musical opportunities. I have sung this song for a lot of different kind of events, and every time, it is a song that grabs people’s attention, makes them wonder and smile.
As a singer, there is something very special that happens while singing this melody. It’s hard to describe the experience but I think it is the closest thing I can imagine to being an eagle soaring across the sky. It’s as if I’m flying, carried along on the wind of the melody, emotionally free and in utter joy. I’m not ignoring any of the physical work of it, nor am I denying any emotions, but I am taking it all with me.
By the way, THAT is why I sing.
With you, I will go. I with you.
What a love song.
Thank you for listening!